Suspicious girlfriend demands boyfriend give his social security number, claiming she wants to check his criminal record, he refuses, she puts an ultimatum on him

Author image for Briana Viser
Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Jan 4, 2025 1:00 PM EST

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen of the internet. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. Without trust, there's no foundation or grounding for anything else. There's no respect, peace, or proper communication. You may think you've solved the issues of trust between you two, and then one day they don't respond for hours, or a name or place is brought up that you don't want to remember. There are too many instances that it will never work once trust has been broken. In all its fragility and vulnerability, one must feel safe and secure with their partner. 

In this story, the protagonist has some trust issues. She had a bad situation in the past with an ex, and now she's asking for her boyfriend's SSN to do a background check on him. He, of course, refuses, feeling deeply uncomfortable. However, it's a make it or break it situation for her. Either he does it, or they break up.

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  • 01
    And she said that our relationship isn't going to be able to progress unless I give him my SSN because she needs to know that she's safe, and she's offended that I don't trust her taste in friends. I got up and left at that point and told her I respect her concerns, but her past trauma doesn't give her the right to try and strong arm me into
    via @lanaveter / Canva
  • 02
    r/AITAH ⚫ 3 hr. ago Alarmed_Sorbet8101 AITAH For Not Giving My Girlfriend My Social Security Number So She Can Run A Background Check On Me
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101

    Who on earth would give their SSN to anyone they're not married to? It's a huge infringement of trust, and just an unreasonable request. He clarifies later in the piece, that just her trust issues don't warrant this kind of request or expectation. She needs to come to term with her past in a way that doesn't require him breaking his boundaries. 

  • 03
    I (27M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (31F) for almost a year now. This evening she sat me down and said she needs to have a serious conversation with me and she asked for my social security number. I said absolutely not, why would you need that?
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 04
    And she told me about her ex boyfriend that was basically living a double life. He had a bunch of criminal charges in his past that he'd never told her about and eventually exposed her to some sketchy and dangerous behavior before she broke things off after he cheated. I said okay, thank you
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 05
    for telling me that, but what does that have to do with my social security number?
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 06
    She said ever since then she's had her friend that works for the federal government run background checks on people to make sure they're safe, and because our relationship is progressing she needs to know I'm a safe partner for her so she wants my SSN to check my criminal history. Now, for the record, I
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 07
    don't even have a parking ticket. I'm a nerd and a gym rat, all I do is work, go to school, play dungeons and dragons, come home, watch anime, rinse and repeat, so I don't care about a background check, she won't find anything. But I'm not giving out my SSN. I don't feel comfortable enough providing that to her friend.
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 08
    When I said that she got upset and said I don't understand what women go through and it's about safety. And I admitted she's right, I have no idea what women go through, but that doesn't mean I'm giving my SSN out to a complete stranger. She says he isn't a stranger he's one of her best friends and married to a close.
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 09
    friend of hers. And I said honey that's great, but I don't know him, I don't trust him because I don't know him. That's MY information you're asking for, you can trust him with your personal information if you want, but no one I don't know is getting my SSN or critical details. It's just not happening.
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 10
    And she said that our relationship isn't going to be able to progress unless I give him my SSN because she needs to know that she's safe, and she's offended that I don't trust her taste in friends. I got up and left at that point and told her I respect her concerns, but her past trauma doesn't give her the right to try and strong arm me into
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 11
    giving out sensitive information to someone I don't know just because he works for the federal government and has access to a database. I used to work for the federal government so I can say from experience, everyone working there isn't some wonderful person.
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 12
    I'm not assuming he's a monster or anything, but just working for the feds doesn't prove anything to me. She called me insensitive and hasn't spoken to me since. Personally I feel like she was gaslighting me into giving her what she wants but I'm not sure.
    via u/Alarmed_Sorbet8101
  • 13
    _s1m0n_s3z •3h ago Top 1% Commenter Her government friend is committing a felony. NTA. You want no part of this.
    via u/_s1m0n_s3z
  • 14
    such_a_travesty • 3h ago • NTA. I am a federal employee who does have access to some systems like that in order to locate people and it is 100% against the law to use them for personal reasons. In fact, we have to try all other reasonable ways.
    via u/such_a_travesty
  • 15
    to find someone before using these systems. There is something sketchy there. Also, you don't need an SSN to do a background check. A name and address or birthdate are enough.
    via u/such_a_travesty
  • 16
    Adventurous-Ru... Hey female here Run. 3h ago
    via u/Adventurous-Ru
  • 17
    stroppo 3h ago NTA. You can do a background check on someone w/o a SSN (it may not be as thorough). So she could go ahead and do one anyway. You are right to not give yr SSN to someone you don't know, you don't know,
    via u/stroppo
  • 18
    for ex, how secure he keeps his information when he's working on something, esp a job for a friend. Someone demanding my SSN like that would be a dealbreaker for me.
    via u/stroppo
  • 19
    Due-Yoghurt4916 • 3h ago • What her friend is offering is illegal. Report him and dump her. FYI female here. This is not normal or healthy. RUN!!!!
    via u/Due-Yoghurt4916
  • 20
    neverfearcovid 3h ago • Top 1% Commenter NTA. You don't even know if she's telling you the truth. She should be stealing your SSN for all you know.
    via u/neverfearcovid
  • 21
    Run, run away. Clearly she isn't willing to address her trust issues. She needs therapy. Assuming everyone is a criminal and you need proof otherwise is incredibly toxic.
    via u/neverfearcovid

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boyfriend drama relationships girlfriend lol couples love breakup reddit thread trust Reddit funny dating
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